


A Study In Maroon

by fortissimo_hands



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Second person POV, and ruby and saph too kinda, pearl kinda, steven and ame are mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-29 05:07:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20791124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fortissimo_hands/pseuds/fortissimo_hands
Summary: Garnet reflects on her feelings about Pearl manipulating her to form Sardonyx.Set sometime between Keystone Motel and Friend Ship.





	A Study In Maroon

**Author's Note:**

> Nobody interpret this as being a Pearl hate fic! I love Pearl with all of my heart but boy she messed up in the Sardonyx arc.
> 
> I'm not as angry about the Sardonyx arc as a lot of people are (I def think some things could have gone better, particularly the ending being somewhat rushed and Pearl's "apology" really just being more manipulation, but I don't dislike the arc as a whole or think it's a sign that the show as a whole is going downhill), but one of my main complaints with it is that we never got to really see Garnet being upset about it! We saw her angry, but never hurt, and we never saw the self-blame that's common in people being manipulated by someone they trust. 
> 
> So I made this!

You must have done something.

You rack your brain, trying to find some sort of explanation. Some sort of reason. Some sort of evidence that it’s actually your fault.

You stare at your shaking hands, but they’re only quivering from anxiety. They’re not aboout to tear apart like your mind is doing to itself. You only unfuse when Ruby and Sapphire disagree.

Sapphire, so passive and willing to accept anything that happened to her, so sure that the present problem would inevitably be resolved and that there was no point in stressing over it. Ruby, so perpetually frustrated with herself, so determined to believe that she was a useless soldier that needed Sapphire to be whole. After your trip to the Keystone Motel allowed the two to stop fighting over whether to forgive Pearl, it was only natural that they came to the same conclusion.

You must deserve it.

How could you not? Pearl is, after all, a good gem. Would a good gem hurt someone who didn’t deserve it?

Images flash through your mind. You remember the fear in Pearl’s eyes when she saw your fury upon first discovering her manipulation. You hear your own voice as though it belongs to a stranger, demanding that Amethyst fuse with you. You remember her feeble protests, and your immediate dismissal of them.

You scared them.

Those two are the only gems you know, bar Steven, that aren’t missing, shattered, corrupted, or dead. Those two are the gems that consider you their leader, that rely on you for guidance. And you scared them.

You could make an argument that Pearl deserved it. That you had every right to be furious with her after the stunt she pulled. But Amethyst? She had done nothing to deserve your wrath, and yet you forced her to make Sugilite with you, just so that you could have an immediate outlet for your anger in the destruction of the tower.

You should apologise to her later.

You’d apologise now, but it would be better to apologise after you stop causing harm to her. You can’t deny that the fighting between you and Pearl must be causing Steven and Amethyst a great deal of stress. You hate seeing Steven’s childish attempts to get you to make up and Amethyst’s moody self-isolation, and you wish you could stop it.

You could stop it. But how could you be expected to?

You can’t forgive her, not now. You know that you’ll have to eventually, or the entire family will continue to suffer. But not now. Not yet.

It’s not so much that you’re angry; you’ve mostly let go of that. It’s more the absolute fear that strikes you when you imagine continuing on like nothing happened, the sick feeling in your stomach when you picture yourself forming Sardonyx again. The knowledge that you need to ignore her for as long as you can without it harming the family, and that when you do forgive her, you have to explain how she was wrong.

The knowledge that you need to communicate how serious this is, because she’ll do it again, if you let her.

Because you did let her. You saw glimpses of a future where you yelled at her with fury. You felt yourself, as part of Sardonyx, finding just a little too much glee in the fusion. You could have further investigated with your future vision and put a stop to it before it got this far.

But you let her. You let her manipulate and use you, because you couldn’t believe that she would. When Ruby first fused with Sapphire, you were met with threats and scorn simply for daring to exist; Ruby was almost shattered on the spot. Yet Pearl, along with Rose, was one of the first gems to not treat you as an abomination; she understood how important fusion was to you.

You thought she would never be stupid enough to take advantage of that. You think that perhaps she’s smart enough to take advantage of it.

But she only did it because the fusion gave her a high.

You wouldn’t describe yourself as being like Sardonyx -- being you does not feel so manic, so addictive. It feels better than being alone, because Ruby and Sapphire love each other. But you don’t love Pearl in that way, and you don’t think she loves you, because she had eyes only for Rose Quartz.

Just how much higher is your self-confidence and self-esteem than hers, that getting to experience how you view yourself is an addictive high that would push her to do such terrible things?

You don’t understand it. Sure, she’s a Pearl, and being at the very bottom of the ladder can’t be good for one’s self-esteem, but you’ve experienced the same. Rubies are slightly above Pearls in the caste system, but your Ruby still developed the same self-esteem issues that Pearl struggles with. She still struggles with them, but with Sapphire’s help, she’s found ways to cope.

Was Rose not to Pearl what Sapphire is to Ruby? Did they not love each other in a way that healed? You can’t expect Pearl to be completely over it -- she probably got it worse than Ruby did, as a servant instead of a soldier, and the difficult progress she made would have been severely set back when Rose fell for Greg, and then again when Steven was born -- but you can’t help but wonder why she’s allowed to manipulate and use others because of her treatment on Homeworld, while you -- well, half of you -- received the same treatment and aren’t even allowed to admit that it harmed you.

You know why. Because you’re the leader.

You can’t dwell on it. You’re the leader. You can’t fight with Pearl endlessly just like Amethyst endlessly bickers with her, because you have to be the responsible one. You have to be the bigger gem.

You don’t want to be the leader any more.

You can’t. You can’t take responsibility for caring for Steven and looking for Peridot and keeping Pearl and Amethyst out of trouble when the only thing going through your head is the infinite circles of _why_.

Why did she hurt you? Why did you let her hurt you? Does she not value you as a gem, or does she only view you as a tool to use to cope with her own self-confidence issues? What did you do to deserve it? Why did she hurt you? Why did she hurt you Why did she hurt you?

You don’t question it. You don’t question any of it. You already are the answer.


End file.
